Ah, 1 and Ah, 2 , Ah-ccountability

Nothing in life is sacred. Not even the laughs and jokes of our childhood. It seems everywhere we turn something is going up in smoke. The beauty and curse of this is that change sweeps through and shakes us all up. Nothing is inherently wrong with change, but the hard part of it is not knowing if the change is for better or worse. So what is the solution when we see change happening in the worst way possible? What do you do when you see the tides shift suddenly and you know it is going to pull you under? How do you fight the shifting of the winds that push engulfing flames closer and closer to all that you are and have known? What do we do when fighting back feels so pointless and hopeless and fruitless? Well let’s back up here.

These feelings could cover so many things right now. I know it has been a minute since we last spoke. I have no excuses for you or witty commentary of my absence. Life has been kicking me while I'm down. Whooping my ass actually. From bills to bosses to bumbling idiots in office, I have been down for the count. It seems like the world around me and within me has been shocked, down to the very last molecule, and I had to take inventory and catalogue all the damage. It’s hard to admit that living with mental health concerns forces you to slow down or even stop. I want to keep going, full steam ahead, just go and go and go. But I am human. Contrary to what Billionaire oligarchs, corrupt politicians, and disturbed conservatives will try to convince you, we are all just human. Not machines, not dollar signs, and not subhuman creatures. And where we need breathers and pauses and breaks we should have them. Humanity needs a reboot. How is this best accomplished? I don’t know. The meteorite seemed to work for the dinosaurs. The flood seemed to set things right in the bible. I cannot say I want the world to end. However, I also cannot say I would be mad if I didn't have to make my credit card payment this week because the T-rex Ender special made its way to Capital One's offices. I know. I know. A bit of a dangerous sentiment with Mario’s brother having 3D’d his way into the headlines but I am just saying. The point here is if you feel like you're floundering with all the changes and chaos of the last year or few months or, hell, few weeks then you aren’t alone. This neverending assault on our wellbeing and sanity is very real. From pseudo banning apps and executive orders to the impending rise in already expensive necessities, nowhere feels safe. And when nothing feels sacred or safe, it feels like the only right thing is to let the tide pull you under and the flames to reduce you to ash. Truly, I get it. However, that is not an option. Let me tell you, I have thought time and time again giving in would be the best option and is the only option but no.

This is the time to take accountability for ourselves. To be responsible for our peace and happiness more than we have ever been before. To clear out the previous notions of saving everyone else first and relinquishing our self sacrificial love. I am speaking specifically to fellow Black women. I know we are so used to raising all boats with the tide but it is time to jump ship. Hop on a life raft and save yourself. Or if you find you have no vessel, follow the current parallel to the mainland until you can make your may back to the beach. It's hard. It may even feel like betrayal to leave behind or without all the people we are so used to carrying. When you are used to doing the absolute most, doing less may feel like doing nothing but it is not. The truest act of rebellion, for a Black Woman, is always living the best life imaginable for ourselves. To educate ourselves. To spoil ourselves. To liberate ourselves. The oppressors we confront daily are terrified to see that with one hand tied behind our back, with none of the resources, none of the support, little to no recognition, and so many more hindrances, we still rise. Do you hear me? We. Still. Rise. There is no room left for people to hop on our back to try and take a shortcut by riding our hard work to their success. It is our responsibility to look in the mirror in the morning and say “I will do what I must to protect myself first. Period,” and to follow through with it. So why hold us accountable? Why this wording specifically? Because, when we get into the rhythm of taking care of everyone else, who are we most likely to push to the bottom of the list? It’s ourselves. If you’re a mom or caregiver, sister, friend, or advocate we come up with a million excuses on why we have to wait until we get everyone else in order. We pour from ourselves until we are empty and have nothing left to give. What good is it to look after everyone else if we cannot take care of ourselves? If you just thought, “there’s a lot of value in it, and making them feel good helps me feel good,” cut it out! Be accountable for your own happiness. Not by trying to siphon off what little bits and pieces of happiness leftovers people offer you from all the hard work you’ve put into them. You have to put yourself first.

The next four years, or so, are not going to be easy but there are ways to ease some of the burden on you. Please know first and foremost, the chaos and struggle getting ready to ensue America has nothing to do with you. Meaning that, there is no lesson for you to learn about your humanity and empathy and compassion. There are going to be some very tangible issues that will impact you but 92 percenters, your heart and mind and soul were in the right place all along. Now, the only lesson to learn is to protect your personhood. Conserve your energy and resources, take your small and big joys wherever you can, and expand on the things that bring you joy. I say this to you while I write in a black owned coffee shop, listening to the lemonade album, drinking an exquisite coffee named “D’Angelo”.

An immaculate Turkey Club and the "D'Angelo"

Why is that important? Because black ownership brings me joy. Music brings me joy. Writing brings me joy. I no longer want to be so depleted by the things I endure that I don't get to partake in the things that bring me joy. Like writing timely and authentic accounts of how I see life thus far. Maybe it isn’t an all the time kind of extracurricular activity but I want to do it regularly as an outlet and safe space. I want to connect with other people on their journey and see how they put themselves first. I want to push myself out of my comfort zone and build a bigger zone. I deserve that, you deserve that, we deserve that. While the change will not come overnight, the beginning of the process can start now. By holding ourselves accountable for letting go of what does not serve us and, more importantly, what hurts us. People, places, feelings, all of it.

I am going to hold myself accountable with using my therapy and journaling and writing. I will put myself first in all the ways I can imagine and even push myself to explore new ways I haven’t discovered yet. I will seize opportunities to be the best version of me and expand on my dreams and goals. Where I need time to accomplish goals, I will have patience with myself. I will rebuild my relationship with discipline and self love. I will remind myself that accountability is not a dirty word. And while it can be hard, it is simply a tool to help me live the life I know I deserve. So, if you are feeling the same way and you’re wanting to take on what feels foreign or uncomfortable then join me. Maybe if we have accountability partners for securing our happiness it won't seem so daunting or lonely. And with a little push in the right direction, we could see a major change in what tomorrow looks like when we see ourselves. So count with me. Ah 1, Ah 2, Accountability.