Grieving with Depression

I am not really sure what I'm doing right now. Something told me to open the computer and let everything pour out, but in truth, I am terrified of what comes next. I haven’t had this creative  bug since the last time in life I felt so hopeless. And that time, I wrote a note to say goodbye without even knowing what that meant. Luckily my goodbye wasn’t successful but unluckily that has had its own host of trials and tribulations to follow. So what am I doing now? I think it’s a life line. I’m finding it hard to use my voice for more than a couple seconds at a time without falling to absolute ash. I wish I had more to say but there aren’t words to be spoken. Nothing to alleviate the pain. Nothing to rid the anger. To quail the siren of red alert that's been blaring for days now. 

Every time someone asks how I am feeling or if I am ok, I want to scream. It’s a heavy question laced with good intentions. I want to tell people, that is how the road to hell is paved. To tell them the questions is stupid and to leave me alone. But how can I? People care. Isn’t that what I wanted? Isn’t this good? What’s wrong with me? Why is there no peace in this? Why is rage this default to all the pain inside? I imagine that there are studies or tests or diagnoses, but none of that matters to me. I just want to be free of these feelings. 

Grieving with depression is something I rarely hear people talk about. I know depression is a part of the grieving process but I already have that. So what next? What should I do? How do I tell grief, “Wait, I don’t need that phase, I am already there.” High functioning or not, I am already there. Light hurts most days and laughter hurts most days and work hurts most days and ‘peopling’ hurts most days. There is just this constant pain but I push through. I keep trying. I keep going. I keep…breaking. In hopes that the mosaic of life I am putting together will make sense but what if it never fully does. I know everything has a purpose but I…I don’t understand. HOW CAN THIS ALL WORK OUT?! I keep losing people, I keep losing my mind, I keep fucking breaking. And the worst part? This isn't even about me. There are bound to be people who are hurting more than I am but I CAN’T GET OUT OF THIS TRAP!?

Having depression while grieving is like having been trapped in a dark room with shadows looming over you. The room is already pitch black and your eyes have adjusted as best they can but there is literally no way to see anything. Whether you feel them on your skin or not doesn’t matter, you just know they are there. The same way you know a ball thrown in the air will fall back to the earth or fire will burn you. Maybe there was a time when you had to learn but once you knew, it just became the truth, law. And there's a door right? There has to be a door because you got inside but now you can’t find the way out.

You can sense the shadows there with you. They can see you but you can’t see them. You're waiting to see if they'll grab you or just linger until you least expect it and grab you then. All the while you stumble and gasp and call out for someone but no one hears you. Or rather they hear whispers because the room dampens the sound and the outside world has no idea how much you're actually screaming in agony. Because while the shadows just loom over you, there are very real dangers that have been tripping you up all over the room. Broken glass you trip and fall onto, old equipment from unfulfilled dreams that you bang your shins on, and so many other things that you can’t even fully make out. So while on the outside you try to make it through, on the inside you're just constantly falling and tripping and cut and scared and battered. It's so much. And I am trying to do the next right thing but it doesn’t feel fair. To continue on when there are things and people missing from the story.

The pain is telling me something is wrong but it's always saying that. And now it’s exponentially louder than before. So how do I keep going? Where do I find the spark of hope that is supposed to bring me through, to get me out of the room and away from the shadows? See what happens, is after a while in that room you just stop moving. Stop trying. Stop everything. Because pain does that. It tells you something is wrong but it’s not always clear on what the real problem is. You can try a lot of things to help but nothing is guaranteed. And sometimes those things can bring on just as much pain as before or worse, they bring on the numb. Numbness is what happens when the pain just gets to be too much. When you've finally given in. It’s not that you’ve stopped trying, it's that you've succumbed to the room. You're no longer in the room with the darkness, you're just darkness.

God, I know none of this probably makes sense but I already said I have no idea what the hell I am doing here. All I know is that talking hurts more than typing right now and so I am still trying. I haven’t given up yet. I haven’t succumbed. I can feel the shadows. And the darkness is awful. And I am bruised and bloody and achy and tired but goddamn it. I am still trying. And I really hope that is enough. I am praying it’s enough. I am not praying for strength. I don’t need nor want anymore. I want peace to not need to be strong all the time. I am praying for the will to keep going. Praying that the pieces of myself can hold fast until we can find a new whole. And for healing, because I am going to keep looking for that door until it kills me or frees me. I don’t know if that's the uplifting ending people need but I know it's the truth I have, so there. I don’t feel any less heavy or broken or free but thank God I am still feeling at all I guess.