This Ain't Texas...

Dear God, if you could please just show me all the cards for 2024 that would be great. Only 3 months in and, already, I was almost hit by a tornado, lost a family member, almost crashed during a driving lesson, and still don’t know if Beyonce is going back on tour. Geez, let a girl catch a break! While I am not really sure where I lie in everything, I can honestly say I am still going. I know how it sounds. “Yeah, you and everyone else in the world,” echoes in my head like the voice of a captive audience watching it all unfold.  But the thing is, that's kind of huge for me. Maybe you didn’t catch last post’s meltdown but I was not and arguably am still not in a great space. The light hasn’t crept back in so much as my eyes are starting to adjust to the darkness. Maybe that’s good, maybe bad, maybe it is the best I have to offer. I am learning that showing up is half the battle even if I don’t have the best hand dealt to me. The least I can do is work the best poker face I have and bluff something good until I have it. I may lose it all or I could win big but I’ll never know without trying. I guess the blindsiding I have endured in the last few years has been quite the lesson on grit. I find that in the hardest, most life altering and heart shattering moments I am still going. I still have the courage and resolve to continue. Maybe 2024 is not my year, per say, but just a year to help me learn a thing or two about what comes next. Here y’all, let me explain.

There aren’t really words to describe how exhausted I feel. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. Lawd have mercy. If I am running on fumes, I don’t know what comes next but I am hunkered down and persevering. Seems like, after all is said and done, I am just moving through. They say that’s what you are supposed to do. I remember when I was younger, being obsessed with Teen Wolf (series). And one of the quotes I heard on the show that resonated with me came from a school counselor calling on Winston Churchill who said, “If you are going through hell, keep going.” I understood it immediately. He was saying that if you feel like you are living through the worst moment in your life, why the hell would you stop here. God, that’s the feeling. Now, on top of the mental disorders and world burning around me, I have bills and responsibilities. Ugh, how much is one supposed to take. But that's just it. You don’t know unless you really push yourself or you allow yourself some grace when you are being pushed. Can I imagine many other ways to develop character that are effective and far less cruel than grief? Abso-fucking-lutely! But it isn’t my place to determine how the universe spins. All I need to know is that it's moving and if I get caught up on the how, I’ll miss out on the whys and when and so much more. So one painfully honest truth I am learning are my limits. More importantly, they aren’t nearly as short as I was thinking. With all the healing and learning and praying and everything in between, I am finding more of myself, I hadn’t realized needed to be discovered. I am also branching out of my comfort zones now that my limits are starting to come into focus.

Don’t get me wrong, I have lived a large portion of my life feeling uncomfortable and out of sorts but not in a constructive way. The warring emotions inside me were more a symptom of a problem rather than an indication of the resolution. Sometimes, there's turbulence both as you take off and as you land, maybe even during the ride. And I had never thought of that applying to healing and growth but man am I learning. I expected smooth sailing. As if deciding to finally take care of my mental health would make everything else around me freeze until my emotional intelligence could catch up. But I was…wrong. Beyond wrong actually. I couldn’t have been further from the right. And that’s ok. There are lessons to be learned in the mistakes. I am finding that the epiphanies in life can come as gentle as a powdery snowfall or as striking as a gut punch. Either way you need to be ready to roll with the punches. My place of comfort has always been withdrawn and private. I keep to the deepest parts of myself afraid or even ashamed to share them. But I am starting to understand the power of unity. Misery may love company but healing needs it. I think back to the movie Inside Out, how Sadness wasn’t a useless emotion but instead leads us back to the people who bring us safety and protection and support. We especially need these people when we go out on a limb and it snaps. I am finding

I am less afraid to try because I know I have something to come back to. When lessons don’t go my  way, I have a friend to phone. When I lose someone I care about, family comes to mind. And when it’s time for a mental breakdown, the girls are on speed dial. The point here being that as I expand on myself, I still have a safety net of people who genuinely care and are rooting for me. Having the ability to keep moving, keep pushing on, will allow me the chance to become an even better version of myself. The version that would not exist without a bit of experimentation.

So maybe it won't be the easiest or most fun year, but it will be the year for growth and change. I am finding that expanding my limits and leaving my comfort zone will come with growing pains. With the pain, I will fall on the people who wish me well. I hope to have something more enlightening to say. I want to encourage people through the hard times but my happy reserves are a bit low. I will just send you a reminder to look for the good in the hard times. Maybe you’ll find that even without the sunshine, you can still cast a little light. It was Shakespeare that said, “how far doth that candle through its light, thus shines a good deed in a weary world.” I think that a little good deed could go a long way right now.